No Talking Tuesday # 85

May 19, 2009

My friend Bob (female) was throwing her birthday party Tuesday.
And decided to make it a roast. She rented out a back room in a bar
and invited all her friends to come prepared to burn her with some sassy material.

I of course never need an excuse to be sassy, and when given one
can be counted on to take the reigns and run with it. Her birthday being on a
Tuesday however, I decided to write my material on index cards and
stand up on stage with a friend to whom I passed the cards for him to read.

I punctuated his reciting with gesture and expression but for the most part
played the roll of straight man, as if it was a formal occasion.

I decided to write all my jokes in an ironic antiquated forties-esque
bad joke style. (A tip of the hat to Norm McDonald) But to my surprise,
the jokes played as completely normal. I didn’t anticipate the stage
to provide such a different context and my ironic bad jokes actually
came off as normal and successful. Well most of them, the religion joke
and one or two others didn’t do so hot, the rest slayed.


The List:

i’m going to a birthday roast of bob who you met

i’m doing my roast on flash cards and another friend is reading them

When Bob invited me to
her roast, she mentioned
that her friends where having
trouble coming up with mean
things to say…

… I replied:
” It sounds like they hardly
know you.”

You know, if you re-arrange
the letters in “Bob”
you get OBB, and, BBO

I wonder if either of
them smell as bad?

… I can’t imagine
how they could.

I didn’t know Bob was
religious. But when she told
me she takes a shower every
other day, I knew from the
smell she meant biblical days…

…which are thousands of years
or something…

I don’t know how many
exactly. Go ask Bob, she’s
the bible nut…

… If you can fight the
stench to get within a
cubits length of her

So the dictionary people
contacted me. And
wanted me to do an illustration
for the world “repulsive”…

…So I sent them a photo
of Bob…

…And they replied:
“What the hell is this!?”
…”We asked for an illustration
not a photo!”

So I was watching some
landscapers spreading
manure today and remembered
” Oh yea! I’m late for Bob’s roast!”

I’ll admit like many people in
this room, I’ve wondered what
it’s like to kiss Bob…

… But I accidentally ate
some rotten cabbage for lunch.
…Mystery solved!

The first time I hung out
with Bob, we walked a dog
she was helping to take care of…

… The dog kept stopping
to smell Bob’s face…

… You know… Because
she has a butt face.

Bob thinks “hygiene”
is a style of pants

Speaking of style…
Oh never mind, I guess
we shouldn’t change the
subject from Bob

So I went to a fancy
french restaurant with friends.
And someone proposed we order
the super smelly cheese…

… I said:
“Bob’s just in the bathroom
she’ll be right out.”

They say smell is linked
to taste…

… I guess that’s why
when I’m around Bob, I
taste dirty raccoon ass.

As many of you know
Bob is a photographer
…and she’s actually
quite good…

…But her photos suffer
from one major flaw…

… She’s often in them!

Of course this is all
in good fun. And that’s
what’s so great about
Bob. She has such a
great sense of humor…

… I mean just look
at how she’s dressed!

Well I’m about out of time.
I wanted to say finally that Bob,
I consider you one of my close
friends. And I hope one day
we can be even closer…

… The day you take
a shower.


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