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It’s No Use, I’ll Feel a Whole Lot Better

November 10, 2009

My plane finally lands
into her arms again.
The confusion of dodged kisses
and limp caresses, are passed with little notice.

Later,
cuddles and lips slide
familiar smells remembered
fingers come alive
sliding through hair
over collar bones.

She begins to warm
and suddenly barks in frustration:
“Why do you have to be so fucking cute?”

I wondered aloud:
“Why is that a problem?”

And she explained why.
Explained what she had done.
How she had moved on:
“…that’s why I’ve been acting weird.”

And went on to explain:
“It would never work between us.”

I stared into the bottom of my cup of tea.
Taking sips in pace with my racing thoughts.

She saw I had recoiled from her
pressed into the arm of the couch
and she observed:
“You’re acting like you find me repulsive.”

And she was right.

She explained:
“I can’t give you what you want.
Haven’t you ever thought of that?”

Of course I had.
It’s almost all I thought about.

A heavy stomach full of hurt and tea.
I calmed my thoughts and reflected out loud with a ting of comfort:
“At least it’s resolved.”

She reacted with hurt surprise:
“So that’s all it took?”

Of course that’s all it took.
She thought her hold on me so tight
I might accept the position of side dish in her life.
To be cut into whenever pleased her roaming palate.
Like a greasy cup of potato salad
smeared and colored from the same knife used for the rest.
But I won’t be used with the rest.

She hurriedly explained that had I been someone else
she wouldn’t have mentioned it
but she knew I wasn’t okay with this sort of thing.
And she was right.
I am not okay with her world of faceless indulgence
disposable pleasure, and hushed conscience.
I had never belonged to her world, and pray I never do.

I long understood
and explained to myself more than to her:
“We want different things at different times…”

She almost didn’t hear me.
And begun to look sad.
Though I knew it wasn’t the sadness of loss.
She’s still a long way from realizing that.

Freed from the paralysis of choice
settled in my sadness
sure footed in my exit
I began:
“You don’t have to worry about me.”

And maybe she was.
Or maybe she lamented the loss of a choice
she could no longer revel in the discarding of.

She burst out one final time at the door:
“What, so we’re never going to talk again?!”

I quoted back to her one of the many splintered lines
she loved to drag over my skin in days past:
“We already know: ‘A friendship between us won’t work.'”

A kiss on the cheek
and a gentle press, already empty of soul.
I carried her downcast expression with my last words:
“Don’t be sad…
Take care.”

It was oddly appropriate I had a suitcase at hand.
I gripped it’s firm leather
and walked down the steps, and into the night
the first of many I suppose.

I had always taken the high road with her
and now I was falling from it
observing the horrifying beauty of the world I’m crash landing.

There is freedom in the fall
the first of many I suppose.

The Byrds – It’s No Use

It’s no use saying you’re gonna stay
If you don’t want to be all mine
I haven’t got room for somebody who
Is gonna hurt me all the time

Somebody who couldn’t see
All the love I was trying to give

It’s no use saying you’re gonna stay
If you don’t want all our love to live
It’s no use keeping you around
If you don’t want me all the way

There’s somebody new who can be found
And I’ll find her someday
And she will be everything
All the love she has she’ll want to give

It’s no use saying you’re gonna stay
If you don’t want all our love to live

Oh I should be good to you but I can’t cause before
I was really true to you but you only hurt me more

It’s no use saying you’re gonna stay
If you don’t want to be all mine
I haven’t got room for somebody who
Is going to hurt me all the time

Somebody who couldn’t see
All the love I was trying to give

It’s no use saying you’re gonna stay
If you don’t want all our love to live

The Byrds – I’ll Feel A Whole Lot Better

The reason why,
Oh, I can say,
I have to let you go, babe.
And right away.
After what you did
I can’t stay on.
And I’ll probably feel a whole lot better
When you’re gone.

Baby, for a long time
You had me believe
That your love was all mine
And that’s the way it would be.
But I didn’t know
That you were putting me on.
And I’ll probably feel a whole lot better
When you’re gone.

Now, I’ve got to say
That it’s not like before,
And I’m not gonna play
Your games any more.
After what you did
I can’t stay on.
And I’ll probably feel a whole lot better
When you’re gone.
Oh, when you’re gone.
Oh, when you’re gone.
Oh, when you’re gone.

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